That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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