So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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