It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
