do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
