I wannas sexs uuuuu
well you can't waste a boner
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Randomize
