You made me cry and you don't even care
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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