I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I cockslap morals
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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