went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
