i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
