I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Woke up backwards on a recliner
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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