you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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