All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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