Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
