mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
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