Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
