sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
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I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
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these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
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