Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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