barbara walters just said penis...
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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