I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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