DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
