I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
