my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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