headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
