i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
