there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
