You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
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