Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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