so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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