Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
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