so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
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