the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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