the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard