I am midnight drunk by noon
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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