my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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