"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
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