I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
