i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
