I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
