I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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