I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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