I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
