Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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