I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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