I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
