I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
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she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
foreskin is a definite game changer
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
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