I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
