guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Randomize
