i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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