Im at strip club and am horny
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
it's not cheating when I paid for it
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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