good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Randomize
