I skipped work to stalk him.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize