AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
