I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
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