woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
