Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Randomize
