maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
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